Its been just over two months now, and i wish to attempt to express my current feelings. Getting back to the day to day responsibilities of life has been an effective distraction, however when my thoughts catch up with me, like they have done today, i can't help but feel a greater sense of loss than ever before. As time keeps ticking away, widening the gap from my last contact with Max (which was a January night in Brighton when we ended up sharing my bed, i had to roll him over and prod him a good few times cos he was snoring in my face, wouldn't change a thing tho)...i feel more angry and upset. I will never lose my memories of the times we spent together (my entire life, almost) , but the fact that there are no new ones is becoming more evident each day. Before, in the immediate aftermath of Max's death, my life was taken over by the love that we all have for him. It obviously brought everyone together in a incomparable fashion. I feel that i have become closer to many friends in this last 2 months than the whole time i have known them. The tragic events have made me appreciate life to such an extent that i want to be like Max, i wish to live for him. I know that sounds stupid, but there is no time to waste any more, no time to ponder or to be hopeless, because the relationships we now have with one and other are priceless, and must be taken advantage of while they can.
Nothing will justify what happened to Max, or the loss that we must live with, but i personally must try and improve my life now, as losing my best friend has opened my eyes to what is really important in life.
On another note, i want to see more pictures !! has anyone got some pics of last new years eve? i would love to see them!!!
The two pics of max up above are two of my favourites. Cooking fry ups was always a treat at Max's, cos he has the best fridge contents around, farmers market sausages and sainsburys taste the difference pancetta, button mushrooms (his favourite), fresh roasted Colombian coffee thanks to Seamus, what more could you ask for (it looks good). Then there's Max with the ironing board, what else can i say. Maxo Man Randy Savage....
2 comments:
Beautiful - i feel exactly the same way...the longer it goes on the harder it gets as the pain seems to swell with each attempted realisation of what has happened. I just want him back now.
When I read your post and then Isaac's comment I thought what wonderful friends Max has. I thought what you wrote mirrors the struggle that I experience much of the time; never really knowing how I am going to feel from day to day or often hour to hour; trying to find some way of living with an event that seems pointless, cruel and relentlessly sad; wondering if I will ever feel OK again without also feeling that I have deserted my son. It is so hard and there are no answers except to keep going as best one can. I still cannot always believe that this terrible thing has happened.l
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